What was Monica thinking?

What was Monica thinking?

Peter A. Hempel

I noticed the other day a tabloid story that Monica Lewinsky was seeking help for her sex addiction problems.  She was checking out the 12-step sex addiction programs, but felt, not unreasonably, that she wouldn’t actually have much hope of confidentiality there.

In the meantime, however, she has been moving forward.  She has thrown all her thongs, peek-a-boo bras, split-crotch panties, etc. into the garbage, and is shifting to conservative clothing above and below.

Wait a second.  What?!  Threw them out?  What was this young lady thinking?

We’re talking the sale of the century (the millenium probably). Forget Christie’s and Sotheby’s. Princess Di’s gowns are a mere footnote by comparison.  Jackie O who?  Monica, we’re talking E-bay, with the whole world watching.

E-bay would pay her a fortune simply to handle (so to speak) these historic treasures.  In this time of excitable internet stocks, its stock price would double (at least) overnight.  Any garment that had had the pleasure of caressing Monica’s ample flesh would be a noteworthy addition to any collection.  High-priced brothels could buy one to hang on the wall for hi-roller customers to fondle.  Right-wing Republicans could enjoy their own dark pleasures behind oak doors.

The pièce de résistance, of course, would be THE thong, the undergarment that launched the second impeachment trial in U.S. history.  The Smithsonian would send out fund-raising mailings to try to add it (by the people) to their collection of the people and for the people.  For their hallowed halls, however, the blue dress would be more dignified and appropriate.  The ideal and quite magical final location for the thong would be…the Clinton presidential library.  (Perhaps Larry Flynt could bid on it for him?)  Talk about building traffic – it would be the most visited presidential library of all time.  And that, surely, would be the opportunity for Clinton to push for the importance of his serious presidential legacy, and a stunning piece of political jiu-jitsu to slam dunk the Republicans’ faces into the mud yet again.

As for Monica, her E-bay excursion would more than cover her taxes on her book contract, but she needs to think about long-term growth and positioning.  It occurred to me that K-Mart, feeling the hot breath of the giant monolith Wal-Mart overtaking it, has been busily reinventing itself as Big K-Mart – and has recently hired Martha Stewart to upgrade its image in the home furnishings department.  Why not go for the old one-two punch, and bring in Monica with a hot line of lingerie for all occasions, from black tie events at the White House to Saturday night trailer park hootchie-koochie?

Speaking of all this, who has the blue dress now?  Does Monica get it back?  Is it hanging in Ken Star’s closet?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Peter A. Hempel

3/1/99