How to cook a unicorn

How to cook a unicorn

Peter A. Hempel

In Asia, there is a long tradition of eating delicacies like hundred-year-old eggs, shark’s fin soup, and whale steaks, along with a wide variety of animal and insect life that far exceeds our usual menu choices.

In France, pigs root for truffles, and geese are force-fed to fatten their livers for pate.

In England, hungry Brits feast on kidney pie and baked-bean sandwiches.

In the American South, tradition-minded gourmets can savor cheese grits and deep-fried pork chitlins.

In Africa, diners at game restaurants may opt for delicacies like elephant trunk stew, giraffe-neck steak, or even baked gorilla’s foot.

Each to his own, but today I want to introduce you to the rarest and most delightful of delicacies, the elusive unicorn.

Unicorns are rare, of course, and it is hard to find an area where one can reliably and consistently find them. For the experienced unicorn hunter, however, it can be done.

Early spring is the best time to hunt for unicorns – in early April, they are just emerging from their cocoons and are still slow and tentative – the best option is to try to find a young weeping willow tree where multiple cocoons have been attached.

Some people may wonder at the idea that I'm suggesting capturing unicorns even as they emerge from the womb, so to speak. Unfortunately, mature unicorns are notably wary and virtually impossible to catch. (Look at the long history of people trying to find and capture a unicorn. The futility of that quest is the stuff of common clichés.)

Despite the extraordinary difficulty of capturing a mature unicorn, it has been accomplished on a few rare occasions over the past half-century, and top Michelin chefs have been eager to take advantage of such a rare treat.

The problem is, although the meat does not get tough as it might in older animals of other species, it is almost impossible to eat. There is an intense sense that both chefs and diners feel that what is on the plate before them is wrong, deeply wrong, and however elaborate the cooking process and presentation, it is almost as if a halo springs forth from the plate, guarding the remains from the predatory onslaughts of knives and forks.

With freshly-emerged unicorns, however, this protective mechanism has not yet set in, and that, combined with the natural delicacy and tenderness of these infants, makes this a chef’s delight and a memory of a lifetime for diners lucky enough and wealthy enough to partake.

Ideally, a feast of unicorns should be a large affair, so that participants can sample a variety of unicorn tastes and discuss which is their favorite and so on. Typically, the delicate taste of young unicorns is best paired with a light white wine, such as a Sauvignon Blanc, a Pinot Grigio, or an unoaked Chardonnay. For young diners, sparkling (non-alcoholic) apple cider can add a sophisticated touch.

For meal planning, a total of one baby unicorn per diner should suffice.

A variety of cooking methods – boiling, baking, frying, sautéing – can be employed to demonstrate the chef’s versatility and nuance. Raw unicorn, prepared in the form of sushi rolls with rice and seaweed, or as sashimi, has been skyrocketing in trendiness and popularity and has inspired a cornucopia of bespoke dips that help top chefs showcase their saucier creativity.

Given the delicate taste of unicorns, such a meal is likely to favor the desserted end of the spectrum: unicorn dumplings, unicorn cake and unicorn pie, unicorn Jell-O, unicorn pastries, and perhaps some unicorn popsicles or sorbet or ice cream. Obviously, all of this makes it perfect for kids and an ideal choice for an unforgettable child's birthday party. (Lots of great party pics!)

One of the things that makes such a meal so delightful and fascinating is that each color of unicorn tends to have a different and distinctive flavor range, so you can set forth a wonderfully colorful table:

White unicorns – marshmallows and angel food cake

Pink unicorns – lollipops and rainbows

Red unicorns – cherries and plums and strawberries

Blue unicorns – blueberries and fresh fruit like apples and pears

Yellow unicorns – bananas and tropical fruit

Green unicorns – limes and kiwis

Black unicorns – come on, you know there are no black unicorns

Bon Appétit!

© 2026 – Peter A. Hempel

700 words